Disconnected.

Feeling disconnected tonight. Not sure exactly from what. But I am doing my frequent, and troubling, dance of rehearsing conversations that I may never have, and maybe shouldn’t.

Obama and Huckabee win in Iowa. Obama makes me happy, he still is inspiring to me, despite his faults. When I heard on NPR that Huckabee was the winner I got an immediate flash of a future in which he is the President, which sent an immediate wave of nausea through me. It would be difficult to live in a country the chose George W. Bush twice and then said we needed 4 years of Huckabee. Its literally the opposite of what a choice of Obama would represent, at least on the surface. The white, southern Baptist conservative versus a black man on Muslim descent. Its such a choice of paths for the nation it almost makes me shudder.

All this said, and we’ll probably end up seeing Clinton and Guliani at the end of the day anyway.

Trying like hell to loose weight for real this time. Not that I need to loose a lot, but it would just help my confidence to drop to 185-190 or so.

How is it that years of your life that you dismiss out of hand, the woeful existence that was high school, still can effect me so profoundly.  I still see myself in the enumeration of hierarchy of Hubbard High School: the smart, sweet guy who had a place and was held away from what he truly wanted. How can you feel nearly arrogantly superior about aspects of your life (no matter what sort of complexes that too can give you) and feel like the sad kid on the swing about others. I have an uncanny ability to hold opposing thoughts in my head at the same time, and an aptitude for second guessing my actions.

Read half of Wallace’s “Good Old Neon” tonight at Quacks. Terrifying because I relate but just hope that it isn’t really me.

Sometimes I feel like I have one foot on concrete and one on a rolling log in a lake.  I just have to figure out what am I worth,  anyway.